I'm doing it.

I'm winning this battle. It's still too early to declare a winner on the war, but between you and me, I've got that one bagged, too. As I mentioned previously, I've got a lot of emotional issues to sort through before I can even begin to effectively work on the physical issues. I've spent the past few months working a little at a time to change this habit or that reaction and it's paying off.

It's paying off, people.

I'm not losing weight. The number on the scale still fluxuates between 159 and 161, but my legs look hot. HAWT! My upper body is just a little smaller, but my ribs are visible again (not pokin' out, just seen enough to validate that I am NOT stuffed full of marshmallows.) and my stomach is back to a decent bulge. BUT, this is still not the pay off.

The pay off is that my little baby-steppin' changes have culminated in a lot of bigger changes. And it's not just as far as my diet and exercise go, it's also showing itself in my financial decisions, the way I manage my time, my sleep schedule, my motivation, my goals and my dedication to myself. Things are coming together. I'm getting closer to the person I want to be and seeing less of the person I was.

The beauty is that it's still me. Just a better me. Because I'm victorious.

Letters To Myself

Dear Wednesday Morning Nicole,

Hi, it's me, Tuesday Night Nicole. I want you to listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you because it's important. You can roll your eyes and grunt all you want to, but this is a big deal. If you fail at this, Wednesday Night Nicole is going to be writing you really nasty blogs at a quarter till 10. I know this from experience. I'd like to give Tuesday Morning Nicole a swift kick in the duff.

So listen. You want to get up tomorrow morning. Don't argue. Just do it. Get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning and have a cup of ice cold milk to get your body awake. Rub your eyes. Stretch your back. Then wake your kids up at 6:45. Feed them breakfast. Tell them you love them. Be gentle when you brush their hair. Kiss and hug them before they get on the bus. Then as you wave to them, walk briskly home and then... pay attention... stay awake. No, no no. This is not negotiable. Stay awake. Even further-- GET A SHOWER! Wash your hair. Use the scrubby face wash. Shave your armpits. Take your time. Get out of the shower and-- trust me-- stay awake. Don't try to make the bed. You'll just want to get back in it. Get a cute outfit on, style your hair. Put on some make up, maybe. Just stay awake. Go downstairs, have a snack. Drink a cup of tea instead of coffee.

It's probably going to be close to 9 when you get all of that done, but here's the thing. You've got to fight off those sleepies that are coming at 10 so get busy. Get a move on your to-do list. Clean the bathrooms. Clean the laundry area of the basement. You know those won't take you more than an hour, total. Don't procrastinate. Get your housework done. Then, around 11:30, have lunch. Walk around outside for a while and take a gander at your plants. The daffodils will be fully bloomed and you know how much that will boost your spirits.

At 12:30, you may lay down for a nap. Don't lay down on the couch. Go upstairs, climb into bed and really allow yourself to rest. You've earned it. DH will wake you up when he gets home at 2:30 and then it'll be Wednesday Afternoon Nicole's shift. As long as you've done these things I've listed to you, her job will be a lot easier. You just have to stay awake. You cannot sleep the day away just because you'll be the only one home. Love yourself better than that.

You can do it,
Tuesday Night Nicole

So here's the new plan

De. Railed. With a capital F.

I was doing really well for a while there. I got hit hard in the gut, figuratively, the day I turned 30. Any chance of recovery was gone by January 4th. I can say, honestly, that aside from one major exception, this has been The Worst year of my life. That major exception is that I just got home from Seattle, Washington, effectively crossing an item off of my Bucket List. I've wanted to go to Seattle since I was a teenager and it was more than I had ever hoped it would be. I didn't want to leave. It broke my heart to get on that plane to head home.

Aside from that one major ray of sunlight, it's been a crappy year. I just can't seem to get back on my feet after being knocked down. I'm tired of my happiness and peace relying on someone else. I'm tired of having someone else dictate for me what goes into my mouth, directly or indirectly. This has got to stop.

I'm back up to roughly 160. I'm hesitant to start tracking again now as Aunt Flo is a few weeks out and I'm due to start packing on water weight in the next week. I don't want to get discouraged.

Still, I need to have goals. Reasonable ones. Goals with room for error or allowances for me to take a break from myself to deal with the issues here at home. Not dealing with them with food, though. With time and patience. So my goals are this:

One pound a week for the next fifteen weeks, gone. That would put me well below the overweight BMI, and put me at a healthy goal weight of 145 by June 22nd, the first day of Summer. I would feel comfortable in my bikini at that weight. In the event that I lose more, that's good too. Two pounds a week would put me at 130 by Summer, but it's not necessary to get that low. I just want to get better food in my body because I'm definitely feeling the effects of chemical after chemical, here. I feel gross. Inside and outside.

My second goal is to train for a 5k. It's something I've always wanted to do but I am just not a runner. I can go for half an hour/3 miles easily on an elliptical but once my feet hit pavement, I feel like the bones in my legs are shattering. I'm going to give the Couch to 5K program a shot again, but not until it warms up a bit more and I can plan out my run a little better without hurdling piles of snow.

My last goal is to start weight training. I've held off because I don't want the effect of being bulky, as I really feel this will cause me to backslide, but I need to get my metabolism kicked into gear. I'm not getting any younger and I'm only getting fatter.

This is all great in theory but I will be swimming upstream for all of this. My real support system is nil and the issues I have going on at home are weights around my shoulders. I'm pulling a whole lot more than 160 pounds.